unsettled but content. confusion ensues (maybe)

Rarely, I'll post something from my own private journal. I'm curious to know how other people are feeling that are in the same position as myself.

---

8.9.10.

I think because I was waiting for so long to PA for "my life to start", that now something has started happening (new job, new friends, new city) I feel like it's not going fast enough. I'm patient with everything/everybody else -- except for myself. I don't know what it is exactly that I'm so impatient for, but I just feel...unsettled right now. Not quite anxious and not antsy, but maybe a mixture.

I also want to be more genuine. I know I've written about this before, but since it's still on my heart, it's obviously something I still feel I need to work on. Genuine in everything I do, every emotion I feel and convey to others. I want to be able to express myself verbally, in a way that I am comfortable and okay with talking to people and lettings words just flow out. I want to make people feel beautiful and loved. I want to have a spirit that's contagious. I want to be on FIRE with love; almost with a reckless abandon. I know some days I do, but I want it to be everyday. Yes, it's exhausting, but it's worth it. I want to be bold in love -- all kinds of love...

----

Now reading over that I think I know why I feel antsy. Growing up with the expectation of "you go to college, you get a good job, you get married, you have kids, you have a happy life" prepares you horribly for life. My parents may not have ingrained that in me, but society & media certainly have. Sure, I've come to not believe it in recent years, but honestly, who can kick that out of their mind when they see it happening to so many of their peers? I understand that I have a different path in life, I get that. But when something you see as "ludicrous" is happening to everyone around you, it makes you feel like the odd man out. I'm not crying out for the life of a suburban housewife (gagme). Trust me, that is the exact last thing I'm doing. This is just me thinking out loud to try and figure out this unsettledness in my being.

I'm not frustrated. I'm not unhappy. I'm very content and very satisfied with my life. Things are going well and moving at the right pace. So why am I still with this "unsettledness"? Is it because I'm still a little uprooted from Chambersburg? Have I not found my niche here in Nashville yet? Am I so used to the "bubble of society" we normally call college? Maybe I'm not used to the idea of living here. Yes, I've lived here before, but I still feel like I'm leaving soon.

I want it to go away. This feeling. But I'll process it, ride it out, see where it takes me, just like I do everything else: I'll sleep on it.