thanksgiving & beauty.

This may or may not get heavy. I'm leaning towards heavy happening though.

For those of you that don't know, I was in the hospital last week. What I thought was severe back pain and an old softball/track & field injury coming back to haunt me (again), actually turned out to be two different blood clots. One was in each of my lungs. The one in my right side was comparable to the size of my fist. The doctors are not entirely sure how they were caused, just that I was lucky to come to the hospital when I did. At the beginning of the night I was offered two choices: grab some pain medication and head home to sleep it off or stay for a bit, maybe run some tests and find out exactly what it is.

I'm glad I stayed for the tests. The next morning, when I was alone (before some friends were nice enough to come keep me company), trying to sleep off the intense pain medication they gave me the night before, the doctors told me news that I never thought I'd hear at the age of 23. If I had chosen to take the first option of pain killers and had just gone home, I would have most likely died. (Seeing that typed out is very sobering.) It was difficult to say the least, accepting this news. Knowing that if I had decided to be stubborn and not face my fear of hospitals (and also stop pretending that I wasn't 16 anymore and thus, invincible) that my own choice would have been my demise.

One thing I have taken away from this experience so far is this: I am happy to know that I was not regretful nor was I scared to think about the other option. Sure, I was emotional to think about it, but I began to take comfort in the fact that there must be something for me if God didn't take me yet.

Naturally it has been an emotional week. Everything was affecting me. The PSAs I was watching at work, I would tear up at. Hearing different songs, no matter the content, would make my eyes well. I think those tears were my way of processing a mixture of relief, fright, homesickness and thankfulness. I had just been through the most frightening experience of my life and I couldn't have my family with me. But I was also thankful. Thankful to still be alive and thankful for the friends that had showed me so much love. Thankful for Will for keeping me company and taking amazing care of me while I was in the ER. Thankful for my amazing nurse, Lila for being so talented and giving me the best care I'd ever received. Thankful for Vanessa and Lauren and Zack and Brie for their prayers. Thankful for Brittany and Anita and Amber for coming to keep me company. Thankful for my parents and my sister for keeping me positive and unafraid. Thankful for everything.

This past summer, I had been stuck in a bit of a slump. I was no longer sure of myself. I felt uprooted, unbalanced and out of place. After this though, I found a renewed sense of self. I know I have previously written about this, but after this, it just CLICKED. I want to be, no, I NEED to be:

genuinely compassionate

genuinely loving

genuinely caring

genuinely kind

genuinely listening.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing more important in this world than the relationships we make and the way we treat others. I want to love. I want to live love.

It is because of your acts of love: the calling, the prayers, the texts, the tweets, the facebook messages, that make me feel so blessed to have all of you in my life.

I feel nothing but inspiration and joy knowing what I know now. I am absolutely sure about what I know and I feel like I am coming closer to understanding God. Everything about this world is insanely beautiful, everything shining as brightly and uniquely as it was made.

And probably not by accident (yet another reason I am convinced that my iTunes has a mind of it's own), this song came on shuffle the other day.

I'm learning it's okay to let go. I am completely safe.

Absolutely safe.

b.

unsettled but content. confusion ensues (maybe)

Rarely, I'll post something from my own private journal. I'm curious to know how other people are feeling that are in the same position as myself.

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8.9.10.

I think because I was waiting for so long to PA for "my life to start", that now something has started happening (new job, new friends, new city) I feel like it's not going fast enough. I'm patient with everything/everybody else -- except for myself. I don't know what it is exactly that I'm so impatient for, but I just feel...unsettled right now. Not quite anxious and not antsy, but maybe a mixture.

I also want to be more genuine. I know I've written about this before, but since it's still on my heart, it's obviously something I still feel I need to work on. Genuine in everything I do, every emotion I feel and convey to others. I want to be able to express myself verbally, in a way that I am comfortable and okay with talking to people and lettings words just flow out. I want to make people feel beautiful and loved. I want to have a spirit that's contagious. I want to be on FIRE with love; almost with a reckless abandon. I know some days I do, but I want it to be everyday. Yes, it's exhausting, but it's worth it. I want to be bold in love -- all kinds of love...

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Now reading over that I think I know why I feel antsy. Growing up with the expectation of "you go to college, you get a good job, you get married, you have kids, you have a happy life" prepares you horribly for life. My parents may not have ingrained that in me, but society & media certainly have. Sure, I've come to not believe it in recent years, but honestly, who can kick that out of their mind when they see it happening to so many of their peers? I understand that I have a different path in life, I get that. But when something you see as "ludicrous" is happening to everyone around you, it makes you feel like the odd man out. I'm not crying out for the life of a suburban housewife (gagme). Trust me, that is the exact last thing I'm doing. This is just me thinking out loud to try and figure out this unsettledness in my being.

I'm not frustrated. I'm not unhappy. I'm very content and very satisfied with my life. Things are going well and moving at the right pace. So why am I still with this "unsettledness"? Is it because I'm still a little uprooted from Chambersburg? Have I not found my niche here in Nashville yet? Am I so used to the "bubble of society" we normally call college? Maybe I'm not used to the idea of living here. Yes, I've lived here before, but I still feel like I'm leaving soon.

I want it to go away. This feeling. But I'll process it, ride it out, see where it takes me, just like I do everything else: I'll sleep on it.