unpredictability in all probability

Clear-headed.

That's what I am.

Clear-headed.

Strangely, it's the results of How I Met Your Mother. I'm learning so much about myself from this show. Things I thought I wanted and was ready for, are obviously not it at all. But I'm going to keep moving forward. Clear-headed. I'm going to make mistakes to learn from them. Yeah, I'll get my heart broken, but you know what? It's going to happen whether I have control over it or not.

I moved to Nashville for something new. Something different. Away from the rut I was finding myself in. I wanted new life experiences. I wanted adventure (the adventures of paying rent and bills and being an adult, sure...). And I'm getting it. I'm getting all of it. Bring it all on.

My heartbeat beats me senselessly

Why's everything gotta be so intense with me?

I'm trying to handle all this unpredictability

In all probability.

And I'll take it as it's thrown at me. Things are changing. I'm changing. My relationships are changing. You'll have that. There's no other way to deal with it then to just let it go.

Gone.

regarding my surroundings

I was inspired by my good friend Alex. (found here.) In his recent post, he wrote about "ambient composition" and how everything around you can be interpreted as music, despite being random. The pitch in the fan, the rhythm of the dryer and the syncopation of a text notification. All are random, but can and do have a musical quality to them.

I'm taking it one step further and perhaps in another direction.

Seeing as how Alex is musically inclined and partial to various pitches and rhythms and any other musical terminology he can drop in a conversation, he naturally notices these things. I'll hear them too, but it's not my forte. What I imagine when I'm sitting here on my couch is what's going on around me. Almost like the Power of 10 video we watched in junior high. Instead of adding another zero and expanding in an ever growing circumference, I imagine what's happening in the places I've been a part of.

I imagine what I would be hearing and smelling were I at home, in my old room. The sounds of my sister in the living room, watching tv. I hear a muted reality of what she is watching, voices as if they are talking through a pillow, bass frequencies lightly vibrating my floor/the living room's ceiling.

(The changes in pitch, frequency and general quality of sound amaze me, depending on your position and what lies between you and the source. Even listening to a test tone, one can bend the pitch depending on the way you turn your head.)

Then I glance over to a picture of my freshmen mentoring group from Milligan. We all lead different lives, most of us are married, some of us are single, and a couple still need to grow up and apologize for some things. A couple years ago, I may have felt a twinge of sadness, not being able to keep in touch with them. But I've let that go. I'll see them when I see them. No point in losing sleep over people who probably don't worry about not talking to you.

I move from the 8x10 to my wall of various concert posters and snapshots. These posters are reminders of memories that are either prominent in my mind, or just something that I know I did. I find some significance in them, but nothing of emotional importance. (When I packed to move, most of them were thrown out). They're just posters after all, not family heirlooms. So why did I feel a little pang as I tossed them into the garbage? With a strange sense of growing up accompanying it. Even now, my new room at my new house in my new city has a distinctly different feeling than the one in Chambersburg. (I need more pictures of friends though. My parents are bringing the rest of my stuff when they come down this weekend. Pictures will be with them.)

Remembering different facets of my room feels weird. Knowing those elements are no longer together, creating the image of 'me' that I wanted to project. My full-length mirror with more stuff on it than need-be so it didn't serve it's purpose of reflecting yourself back to you. The obnoxious orange and silver dresser my sister and I spray-painted one night. My nightstand that was a collage that was "in development" since 8th grade. All pieces from the past, but not things that I need to take with me into my future.

Future. Damn. It's hazy. But it's exciting. It's something to look forward to. And there's something new to look forward to.

So despite how many times I re-watch Firefly and Arrested Development, I'm eagerly looking forward.

And by "another direction" I mean something almost completely unrelated. But it works.

b.

mini-me. you complete me.

I found my copy of the 7th grade talent show. Watching that and seeing some friends that I haven't seen in awhile was awesome. Of course as soon as I was done watching I Facebooked everybody and told them of the gold that I had re-discovered.

How are you? How is your life? What's new? I hope everything is going wonderful. Or if not, you're on your way to wonderful.

(I find it kind of ridiculous that 8th graders are visiting campuses now. SO strange. Why do you have to start worrying about college so early? There's the second group! WHERE DO YOU COME FROM??)

I have one class left for the day and then it's the weekend. Yessss.

Vanessa and I are going to see Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D this weekend. The clown with the tearaway face will probably terrify me. Creepy.

Family Force 5 on Sunday. YES.

Okay, this is enough. I'm wasting internet.

(in sinister, evil, terrifying voice)
Here in a flash and gone without a trace!

b.

random facts about me. like, really random.

I wasn't necessarily tagged by anybody, but I thought I'd start one again. These are always interesting to read, especially when you know (or think you know) the person pretty well. Ok, here goes:

1. I used to be afraid to fall asleep in public places (i.e. student lounges) but I think I've gotten over it because, sometimes, you just need to sleep.

2. I wear shorts in the winter. I don't know why I do, I don't find it that cold.

3. I'm a horrible test taker. And this semester my classes barely have any out of class work. So, I'm stuck with test grades. Which means I have to get better at this whole test taking thing. Gar.

4. The longest I've talked to somebody on the phone was Lauren. Which was clocked at about 3 hours. Hey, Virginia's a pretty long state. And by "pretty long" I mean ridiculously long.

5. There are certain people I admire for being themselves and standing up for themselves, no matter what. Lance Bass is one of them.

6. Speaking of Lance Bass, and it's not like this is not a well-known fact about me, but I still and always will love *//\\// Sync :]

7. The way I de-stress is by driving. And singing Carrie Underwood super loud doesn't hurt.

8. I think I have stage fright.

9. When I have a crush on somebody, I think I try too hard to be their friend. Meaning, I push for that friendship and then we're forever stuck in the "friend zone." But this time, I'm playing it cool. I hope.

10. I used to hate going line-dancing, or the mere thought of it, but after 2 years of resisting my friends, they finally convinced me to go. And I quite enjoyed it.



Yes. I'm done.

I think it's a bad thing that Doritos exist. Once I start eating them, I can't ever stop. And I loathe the small bags because they offer such a limited supply of sustenance. Curse you small bag of Doritos. Curse you.

I'm going home this weekend. It's mainly to work, but there's also a Halloween party at Erik's. I'm pretty excited to get away from campus. Every now and again I need that break, something to make things fluid again, not stagnant.

I've finally found a church here. FINALLY. And it's so nice. I like what the pastor has to say and I can really identify. It's new (it meets in a middle school cafetorium) and a lot of people my age are there. Nice.

Ok, the IT people are going to come steal the computers in 9 minutes. So, I am forced to sign off and actually head towards the building where my class resides.

Farewell Gentle Viewers. (If you get this, you should be my friend.)

b.

LOVE and the rest of life.

It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

Loving people for who they are and not for personal gain. It's difficult, but I'm working on it.

I'm here in the campus libary, coveting the Mac OSX that I am playing on. Classes started about 4 weeks ago, and I am in them full throttle. I have 4 tests this week (1 down, 3 to go) and two of the tests are completely dry subjects that I kind of want to fall asleep upon immediately entering class. Gar.

Being back in PA is interesting. Along with being away from home again. You crave weird things when you're away from them. For example, I'm willing to drive to Nashville (and I know Lauren and Vanessa would join me) for a popsicle and a burrito. Yum. But not just any popsicle or burrito, Baja Burrito and Las Paletas. Perfection. And then from home I'm craving my dad's curried chicken on Sunday and mac and cheese with tuna and lots of pepper. Gah. I'm making myself hungry just thinking about it.

Family Guy season premiere, hilarious.

Vanessa said that I should update, and this is what I'm doing. I don't really have anything particularly interesting to say, so it's all pretty random ramblings. Which is a majority of some blogs I find. Except for the ones I read, because they're, well, interesting.

Matt Wertz and Dave Barnes are touring together. Basically, they should call it Tour of Awesomeness. Instead its "Two Birds/One Stone" Look for them if you're interested. Dave's basically a stand-up comedian and Matt's a pretty good performer. Plus, the two of them are best friends and they have awesome stage chemistry.

Okay, I'm going to surf the interwebs some more. Catch you on the flip flop.

b.

opportunities are arising as we type

Everything about Nashville feels so right. The idea of it, the closeness of it, the fact that it's happening, it all feels so right. Talking about it as if it's something I do every summer feels right. Everything has been working out so well, and I just pray that the events that precede this move are only foreshadowing the events that will happen in these two months.

Anyway...

As so obviously put previously, summer has kicked off. Most of my nights have been spent in somebody else's couch or floor or backyard or favored water bed. I sleep elsewhere for fear of waking my sister when I come home in the middle of the night. But they've been good experiences. I feel as if I live at my friend Erik and Aaron's house. I'm there that often. But they don't mind...I think.

Pray for my friend Renee, please.

I love when friendships pick up right where they left off. It seems to happen to me a lot lately because of college. For instance, my best friend Ali and I hardly find time to talk during the school year because we're both super SUPER busy. But when I come home, everything is wonderful and we take walks and find ourselves spilling our guts to each other about the past week or so's events. God bless "friend walks." Okay, I sound like a freaking Hallmark card. Somebody stop me. Yeeesh.

List O' Random Crap:
- Renee and I built a fire pit in Alicia's backyard. It's pretty ass-kickin.
- I shopped for 7 hours today. I'm going to die.
- For the first time shopping I did not buy a CD, book, or movie. I feel weird.
- $800 cameras take amazing pictures. (They should for that much money.)
- My youth group is falling apart. The board made a horrible decision in choosing a new leader. I'm sure there will be more on that later.
- Try this quesadilla: 2 shells, cheese and turkey dipped in mustard. Delish. College has certainly made my improvisational skills in the kitchen better.

It's late. I must go. My body feels like it's failing and fading away. I shall breathe my goodbye...

Bless,
Bika :]

haven't been here in a long time

I've been away, busy with school work and working on lots and lots of projects. And I've been lazy.

I leave school for the summer next Wednesday. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty excited. I'm excited to interrupt this feeling of being stagnant. I find it difficult to sit in one spot for more than a couple of weeks at a time. I need that break from the norm. Routine frustrates me greatly.

Because of moving out of the dorms, I have to start taking things off of my wall. It's going to be depressing once my John Mayer, Johnny Depp, Talladega Nights and collages of pictures of friends no longer occupy my walls. My room will once again resemble a hospital, minus the disgusting smell.

In about a month I'm making the move to Nashville. I am pretty excited for this. This is going to be completely different from what I'm accustomed to. This summer I won't be surrounded by one Starbucks, small town diners where I walk into and everybody knows my parents and my mom's side of the family, Erik and Aaron's house about 5 miles away, horse and buggies slowing down traffic outside of Shippensburg, and Rita's. Instead it'll be minimal mountains, a decent sized city, the South, sweet tea :], fried chicken, Lauren and Tiffany, the opportunity to make new friends, spending time with people I normally don't get a chance to, and not having to drive 3 hours for the closest large scale concert.

I still feel like where I'm supposed to be
But don't forget to remember me
Tonight I find myself leaning by the bed to pray
I haven't done this in awhile
So I don't know what to say
But Lord I feel so small sometimes
In this big, ole place
Yeah, I know there's more important things
But don't forget to remember me
Don't forget to remember me*


(I love it when the time is 1:23 or 12:34)

Finals week is going to be hell. 300 terms to memorize for one test, technical audio terms to memorize for another, and psychology theories to memorize for another. My headache is getting bigger.

b.

(Blog editor, I didn't tell you to italicize, so don't italicize. GOSH.)

P.S. They're playing Dumb and Dumber on a 20' screen on the main quad. Brie and I are making it a date. Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels at their finest. Here's to a night of Mary Swanson, owl killing, pretty birdy, and the world's most annoying sound :]

*"Don't Forget to Remember Me" by Carrie Underwood